Monday, March 3, 2014

Deeper


Dream: There is an explosion up on a hill where some type of temple is. the military are rushing to see what happened. I am watching from a distance. I am told by a couple of people near by to get out of here because we don't know who the enemy is anymore. As I walk down the street I see a black car crash into a building, but I don't see anymore get out. Then in a few minutes another car drives by and a Navy admiral gets out. He is a psychiatrist. He walks into the building where the crash occurred. I know the person in the crashed was drunk and another high-ranking officer. The military is trying to keep this a secret. There are two anima standing across the street, they tell me because of the explosion everyone is moving away, that I won't have any friends anymore and I will be alone. I too must leave. They walk away and I can't go with them. I am devastated and feel so much grief I just want to die. I walk over to a bar and go in because I need to get drunk. When inside these guys come up to me and tell they don't want me here. They kick me out. I stand outside and realize I have nowhere to go.
 
And after a year and a day of cooking, the cauldron’s brew, suddenly bowls over. In responding to the spills Gwion finger touches the liquid.  And in an effort to address the pain he tastes the alchemy of awen. Those three drops then change his life forever. And we would think yes these three drops; this taste of the alchemy that brings transformation would fill him with the light of everything that is wonderful, enlightening and peaceful. But oh no. That is when all hell breaks loose; this is when the cauldron breaks in two, spilling the entire contents on the ground, denying ceredewn her wish of the alchemy of awen for her son. This is when Gwion believes he must run for his life.
 
One of the ironies of stepping into a spiritual journey is that the path of transformation, of seeking the true self does not come with a cast of the wand, a change in one’s environment, or meditating every day. I remember when I first began my journey, doing vision quests, studying ecopsychology, reading about and practicing journeying. I truly believed this is all I had to do to achieve enlightenment, to find peace and clarity in my life. I had spent most of my life in therapy working on those personal issues that I thought were important and felt relief when I believed the battled with my demons was won.
 
But like Gwion when I sat with the cauldron, watching over the mixture of my life, waiting to experience my enlightenment I had no idea what the taste would provoke in me. What crisis would arise? I am feeling that now. And like Gwion I took flight, but escape led me back to the realization that in order to find what I was looking for I had to step deeper into the crisis of my own darkness. My personal work was far from complete.
 
And even though my journey can be a frightening one I know it will also be a journey of love that will open me to a new awareness, it will open me to my soul who has been waiting patiently all this time.What I have discovered is that the personal work I have done for years has been on the edge of illumination. It has only been in the last few years of doing Archetypal Dreamwork that the taste of alchemy has been offered. I am not someone who could speak deeply to the philosophy or depth of what the Archetypal Dreamwork is. I can only speak to how I experience this work opening me up.
 
Marie Louise Von Franz who was a student of Carl Jung talks about the shadow as little known attributes or qualities of the ego. The shadows in me have been born out of trauma in this life and others. They are impulses, ways I act, responses to the world that can be a defense to perceived harm or just reactions to the behaviors in others that I struggle with. Some of which I see in myself. They have been the way I felt I needed to survive. But at the same time they have kept me from the truth of me, from my soul.

The dreams as worked through the archetypal dream process provide guidance by inviting me to feel into the experiences that are the stories of the dream. And those stories reflect what my deepest being is trying to tell me. Lately my dreams have been intense, but as I remember the dreams of past and the homework of feeling into them have prepared me for now. The snake bites, throwing up frogs, falling buildings and natural disasters all an ending and an ending to an old life.

The last four weeks have asked me to look into the dark corners of my life on a deep level. The dream above is the explosion of my life, the death of me and in the devastation the loss of everything including a feeling of belonging. I am rejected by the old life and not allowed to drink my loneliness away. And there it is, this notion of belonging which rips at the very fabric of my being. It feels like such a core feeling, belief for me. So here it is a confrontation brought on by my dreams to feel into that place where I deeply desire love and belonging. The dreams started something and my life continued it with situations and experiences that tapped into those desires, that bit at me, saying feel this and I did.  And it hurt, ache in a way I had not experienced before. I became angry, demanding, wanting to quit the very thing that I wanted.  And from this came a deeper place with more terror, grief and anger and even more wanting without an understanding of what or how to achieve. Complete and udder confusion and loss of what had been.
 
And in the wanting, in the journey comes the challenges, the struggles. Old ways that have served me, the structures that I have built to sustain me are falling down, giving way. I feel raw, my body sore and sense of self is struggling. I am tired. I don’t even know what is underneath anymore that will protect me.

Dream: I am in a classroom in a high school studying religion when the principle comes in. He is investigating the murder of a young woman. He wants to question me. He asks me to close my eyes and remember what happened. Then I realize I am Stiles in the MTV show teen wolf. When I close my eyes I see a man come through my bedroom and walk to another room where the young woman was killed. He is cloaked so no one can see who he is. I see him and know he is one of the teachers at the high school. He is half human and half animal, but not a wolf. He is covered in mud. Then I see a woman in her 20's walk behind him. I don't know who she is. I tell the principle what I see, but he doesn't believe me. I get up from my seat and yell to him I am going to the police and tell them what I know.

I enjoy this show because each character struggles with their darkness every week. They have to face who they are and find the good, the light in themselves. That they can face the darkness but not it overcome and drive them. As Stiles I am not heard in this dream, yet I decide my voice is important and I tell them I will speak anyway. I will share my truth. Just because as Stiles I am not a wolf or shapeshifter I still have something to offer to say. I must tell them who the murder is because I know. This dream opens me to the silence of my voice, how I must speak my truth even in the fear. How I do know. Another challenge, another crisis to face. Speaking my truth is big for me. There are two sides to not speaking, one is the silence I experience and the fear of not belonging if I speak and other a darker form is that at times it is easier to bitch about an issue then to speak about it. Some how it is safer but sets me up to continue feeling anger or grief. I am still alone in my judgements.
Even in the pain I believe my soul demands this greater commitment, authenticity, truth and willingness to peal more and step further. I must have a willingness to shape shift into the seed of grain if I desire freedom.
 
For me the edge is surrendering to spirit’s plan and not my own. This is where the fear becomes terror and the trust in the love of the archetypes, in my analyst and spirit is critical to my journey and opening to self. 
 
As a Druid I am required to step into the darkness so the light of who I am is to be brought forth. 
The alchemy has been reveal, the drops tasted, the process started. The chase has begun. 
Maybe a new myth will be written.