Saturday, April 11, 2015

Living on the edge of arrival

Living on the edge of arrival can be risky. It is a place of knowing, yearning, and desire. It is a place that is closer to what you have long for then you have ever been before. You have traveled a thousand miles, felt through lifetimes of pain and succeeded in stepping in every time you felt the tug of our calling. You have constantly said yes to your soul’s desire even when the no yanked at your fear. The path to this place has been sought with a determination and ferocious yearning forged from a knowing that there is no other way but through the fear and pain. Yet here you are at the edge of arrival and you are unwilling to take that next step. You are refusing to open the door. Many of us spend a lifetime longing for something of purpose, a connection to our soul’s desire to be seen and embodied. And yet at the last minute, when fulfillment is possible there is hesitation. I know because I have been there.

How did I get to this place? For me I spent most of my younger years struggling through a wide range of trauma induced experiences. It wasn’t until my late twenties that I “push through” and began to lead a “responsible life” going to college and then finding an adequate job.  But underneath it all I knew something was missing and struggle to discover what it was. After years of therapy and alternative programs, I found a way through by being with the natural world. The earth was my sacred container for healing and I stumbled to the guidance of my dreams as the map.

All of this work provided me with the wisdom to discover my soul’s desires, yet the hardest journey would be to act on and embodied the wisdom of the discovery. So many new age books teach us how to find our soul’s desire but few teach or guide us to its embodiment. Maybe it’s not possible because there is no easy remedy for the pain that keeps me from creation. A lifetime of struggle left me with patterns, behaviors and internal self-reflections that pushes at any effort to step in.

So here I am at the edge of arrival, after years of walking no running after want I wanted and I am still holding myself back. I am standing here on the edge of the cliff peering over into the unknown and I hesitate.  I can feel the energy to jump by now I am holding myself back. Today it is now a battle of energies that I have welcomed into my life. One voice pushing me over into the abyss into my creative knowing and the other voice pulling back, yelling no at the top of its lungs.  I am left angry and frustrated, tired of the constant struggle that keeps me paralyzed and unfulfilled.

What causes us to stop short of achievement and fulfillment of our desires and longings, could it be fear, lack of motivation, shame, guilt or lack of trust? Could it be lifetimes of a whisper that tells me I am undeserving, inadequate or that I shouldn’t trust my own deep knowing? Could it be the responsibility to self that comes with that step into wholeness. I can feel it all. So I leave myself dangling, floundering without a course of action.

Recently, I have felt into this intense edge and found the chains that hold me back.
I struggle with constant self-doubt and fear of failure. I don’t trust my inner knowing and don’t want to disappoint others. And even at a deeper level. I fear letting go of the constant pain that offers an excuse for the lack of movement. It has been my comfort. I also fear the gift of the knowing and the promise of love and my desire embodied. What will it feel like? Is it okay to give voice to the possible in me?
Who will I become? Just speaking these words causes a brief glimpse of the energy I have been avoiding most of my adult life.  I really don’t know who that person is when I feel the energy of stepping off the cliff. Yikes.

The journey has been tough but the promise of what lies beyond the cliff is the gift. There is no easy answer to my dilemma.  Jump or don’t jump? It is all up to me, I have the choice. What do I want?  And so I offer myself the hope that one step can bring and say yes. I feel into the hesitation, acknowledging its power and the fear of the unknown. I turn around searching the landscape for the road I have taken and pause with deep gratitude. Then I peer down at the worn shoes covering my feet waiting to be discarded. I feel the energy that comes with letting go and I risk it all.

I step off the cliff.

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