Saturday, October 8, 2016

Dying to be Loved

I am outside near a bunch of people. Then a man goes up to a woman and hugs her. Another woman goes to a woman and hugs her. I realize they are doing this because they are working with the individual helping them with issues of relationship. The woman comes up to me and touches me on the shoulder I am scared and feel uncertain. Another woman comes up and touches my arm. I think what are they doing I am not sure I like this. Then another woman and another woman and they circle me just touching me.

Darkness slowly absorbs the late afternoon horizon as I stand watch over my friend who has chosen to walk the death march as a ceremony of death and birth. Anxiety rises as I too ready myself for the same walk. Prior to this day months of groundwork both in body and spirit have taken place to prepare for this ceremony. I was undeterred in this endeavor, thinking it would be a cakewalk because I have participated in a death ritual before. But now this ceremony seems charged with an unusually potent type of energy. Now after standing watch over my grove members a silent panic begins to overtake me. Breathing slowly I settled back into the task at hand, guarding my friend who now lies in wait to be reborn.

Earlier that day our grove journeyed together for guidance to design the death ceremony. For me it was a surprise and honor to be given the role of watcher/guardian of each person who walked with death. I became the guardian... sitting with each person in the dying experience, in their burial experience. Feeling the weight of responsibility, the need to hold the container quietly and do right by each person. Drumming each into death and then sit, stand, hold, pray, into the threshold of the ground which opens to the sacred seed planted in each of us and welcoming, uncovering and rejoicing in the birth that was to bring new life to each. Along with the earth burial there was the sky burial, a place of waiting for spirit to come from the sky and earth to nourish on the body while letting the air decay the old so the new can find a way home. So much questioning and doubt would surface in my ability to be a guardian/watcher each time a member of my grove was laid to rest. And as the witnesses spoke their words of honor and quietly left me with the dead I reach within for the strength of presence.

Watching over each person was such an honor, I witnessed the old making way for the new, a letting go and opening, prayers enfold and senses heighten. I am sitting and standing holding watch over you as you step through. Feeling the weight and the gift of the holding. Energy released in that place of the land. The crow fly’s, the raven knows, seeing them, watching them all. And then they are done and they come for me.

My time now came to die.

Standing I wait fear tightening the body as it overcomes me. Shaking, the body sharpens to the knowing and yet begins to sink into the grayness of death…..Let go. They prepare me for the grave. Cleansing me I feel the cloth washing my face and arms with gentle strokes reassuring me in some way. An experience of being cared for I struggle to let in. Seconds later I am standing on the edge being lower into the dirt and clay of the mother. The damp soil against my back welcomes me and still fear rises up. Okay so I am not dead, will I still be able to breath? A white cloth is draped over me as requested, while someone places a snorkel tube in my mouth and pulls the rest of the sheet over my head. I begin to take deep breaths, feeling the movement of the air passing through the tube to me and out again. All my expectations, wanting to die right, be strong plunge me into a hole of despair about my life. A moment of panic, will the air come back, will someone without realizing cover the snorkel hole and suffocate me. My trust goes out the window or should I say the grave for a brief second. How do I trust, how do I let go, how do I let myself breath, in and out, in and out..the air is there for me. Relief spreads out over my body and I realize I am okay, until the dirt starts to slam against my legs, torso and head. I feel the dirt as it pushes against my body, filling the place of connection to the atmosphere. I notice how even though my guardians maybe taking care in covering me with the brown clay of her skin it definitely feels like I am being buried. The last shovel full is thrown over my head extinguishing the last bit of light from above. Always fighting aren’t you a voice whispers in the wind and then I see her face.

The blackness of death, the pressure of the earth’s soil pressing down against me begins to call me back to her. I have stepped into the in between, the threshold of still being alive and yet calling to the death for acknowledgment.

In the distance whispered words spoken flutter in the wind my desires, my eulogy.

I will surrender to what I believe is possible
A voice gesturing towards wanting
I will surrender to the wild primal essence
Hands embraced, fingers dance intertwined
I will surrender to a life wrapped in uncertainty
Head pressured against skin soften by age
I will surrender to the light ignited by the pain
Wet lips savor the taste of intimate passion
I will surrender to a love that may not be known?
Bodies in contact converging to the sound of a single note
Cradled in the caress of a beloved.

Breathe…breath. what next, my song… quiet in my song..

Twinkle Twinkle little star how I wonder what you are. Why that song, I am supposed to find my death and birth song. Twinkle Twinkle little star how I wonder what you are…what is the rest of the song. But that song already exists. Feeling the heaviness grow more and more, pressure uneven across my body pushing down on me, suffocating me, entombing me. What is left God? Hang on all you have to do is breath. Breathe, just breath feeling the dirt on top of me. Remember the dream, visualize the women each touching me; remember those who love me…hold that as I drift further away. Pushing down on me, on me on me. What is left? It seems as though all that is left is my neck and head that is all I feel. The rest entombed, dirt thrown upon. There is nowhere to go but be right here for how long, I don’t know. Breathe…. My eyes are closed but why, I open them to darkness. And then close. What is left right now but me? What is this experience? Letting go, letting go. Trancing out. Feeling heavy, dirt pushes against me.

“Remember just be with the landscape and don’t worry about anything else”. Words I hear in the distance. Twinkle, Twinkle little star how I wonder what you are up above the sky so high twinkle twinkle little star. Why that song. I feel okay being right here. I don’t want to get out. How long has it been? Just breathe. I feel so little, spacey. Just be here, feel the dirt stay here, feeling everything holding me.

Getting comfortable, wanting to slow down. Words, images, a hairy man like yeti comes into my vision on the right. I see the sunset and rise… Bear is here what else.  Breathe, just breath, biting down can’t move my arms but I don’t care. I just want to stay here, don’t need to move, feel okay in a way. The pressure holding me down, moving me down, don’t want to leave. How long have I been here, a lifetime, pushing me down, just hold me. Silence, complete silence is here. Do I want to die, is that why I don’t want to get out? I am not sure. Are they waiting for me, but who is really waiting? I remember her words from the email, is there something to come back too. Sink into nothingness and just be here without thought and wait until you are ready. Let yourself sink be still in this place of confinement. There is nothing else that matters except this moment as you breath.

I know I need to get out, but I don’t want too. It is time and in my resistance no, yes, no, yes, I start to reach up, feeling the pull back as my arm reaches up, I can’t move, push harder, I am weak, I can’t get up. I can’t breathe. I panic, the sheet won’t move because it is too heavy. Oh shit I can breath as the snorkel leaves my mouth, need air. The weight of the dirt on the sheet, on the body shuffles around but not off. And then I heard his voice, he is there, yanking, pushing, and reaching for me. And then the breath, the cool air, okay, now I am okay, tugging the rest away, and hauling myself up I can do this. He reaches me and draws me up with the help of others. I rise to a celebration of my awakening, to another day. I speak the words of the journey, sip the nectar of the earth and share the seeds of my birth that I planted within.

It is time to begin again as the cycle turns.

What is in a death, the simple act of saying yes to a birth? What is in the acknowledgment of the darkness the simple act of saying yes to awakening? What is it to recognize the dream’s wisdom, the simple act of beholding the love? What is in the dirt and stones, what is in the water and air, what comes from the fire? The simple knowing that, I have been held by the mother. The simple teaching that I had to die in her embrace to know the ancient pure love that is offer. It is to remember this first love that with awaken me to all love.

And the journey here started with a dream.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016



I am out in a vast ocean, no land to be seen. From the depths of the water a large monster appears. A giant whale like creature that is not a whale but instead some combination of whale, reptile, and dragon. It has sharp pointy scales and looks old. This monster feels old, ancient from another realm or time. A dolphin is near watches. The being begins swimming towards me, terrified I stay right where I am waiting.

In our nightly musings we are gifted with chance encounters that are foreign to us, moments, feelings, relationships with beings that our bodies and minds have never known in waking life.

We discover the sensuality of passionate love, swim with whales; climb an umbrella thorn tree in the savannah; touch the scaly skin of a rattler and play the electric guitar with Prince.

These dream story’s, their sensations, feelings, and interactions although alien awaken in us a long lost friend remembered.

An ancient remembered aspect of who we are beyond our egoic perspective and within the universal unconsciousness of all life itself.

We encounter the divine spirit that holds all memory and existence weaving us within other such as whale, stone, mountain, rose, bee and human.

Our dreams even without our observation provide substance for evoking our ancestral and primordial knowing, the true felt experience of our bodies and minds as one with all.


Saturday, June 4, 2016

Dreams as the Magical Elixir---NWYFRE’

“I have signed up for a road race and walk up to the starting line. I am wondering if I will even be able to race I am so slow. The race begins and I realize I have forgotten my running shoes and I am bare feet. There is no time to go back and I start to run. As I run I begin to feel lightness in my body, I am not weighted down as I most often feel. Then I am running without any need to win I am just running.“

In Celtic and Druid traditions there is a term often used to identify the existence of a life force or energy that flows though out the universe. The term is Nwyfre. In the east it is known as ‘chi’, yoga ‘prana’ and Japan ‘ki’. Nwyfre in its historical origin might be known by the Irish word ‘Naomh’ which means heavens or firmament.

No matter where the language takes us the concept of some type of life force that sustains and flows through us has been studied for centuries. And this life force in some cultures is directly linked to the energies of the stars and heavenly bodies as well as a divine essence or soul spoken in spiritual traditions.

What is this energy? It mysteries have caused many a human explorer of spirit to practice a diversity of techniques from meditation, yoga, healing touch, and Reiki etc. for healing and to awaken enlightenment. I am sure kundalini energy has a direct link to this life force.

In my dream when I decide to run without the worry of having my running shoes on I tap into a feeling of freedom, lightness. I run without a desire to win, keep up with others or prove anything to anyone. Does my dream offer a glimpse into this feeling of life force? That when I let go of the constraints of what I believe I need in order to be okay or good enough I discover the force in me that wants to be experienced. I believe the answer is yes. The dream offers the opportunity to remember this energy in me. It was a awesome experience running without a sense of heaviness that I often feel in my waking life. I am always trying to do the right thing, prove myself to others, keep up and even be better then others. I am often exhausted, weighed down, fearful, and worried most of the time.

In the dream I feel an expansiveness and opening as I ran, while my thoughts focused on each and every moment of the run. Nothing else. I was in my body and mind at the same time noticing and being, gazing and letting go all at once. My body could sense the wind generated by my movement and my mind noticed the exhilaration of the movement without exertion. I felt no need to push myself. I felt no need to question what was happening.

I identified this experience as the awareness of Nwyfre flowing through me. Is this my relationship to the universe? Is this the experience of love in its purest form? All I know is that I felt awake and alive and connected to everything. 

As I dip further into this felt experience within the dream I also notice that there is a sensual feeling to this energy. Not in the sexual way but in the wakefulness of the sensations of my body kind of way. A knowing of my body and the possible love that comes from the Gods and Goddesses, the anima and animus or the direct sensual experience of the divine love that I believe is of the earth. It makes sense that earth energy is sensual, engaging, physical, and constantly creative. There is a tactile awareness happening every moment as we move about our day with every being. And all beings from stones, to plants, water, animals, and trees etc. interacts with each other to create. How can that not be sensual if we allow ourselves to feel it?

What a powerful life force that exists within and around us.

The dream offers me a practice of mirroring this life force through the dream story into my waking life. I do this by bringing the dream’s feeling of the run to life by visualizing, creating a gesture of the run, opening to remembering the feeling of the run in me and offering a ritual to Nwyfre.

I do this practice because I have been unable to feel this life force in my waking life. I know that Nwyfre is blocked in me because I have felt physically heavy, have experienced several illnesses and lived with a certain level of depression most of my life.

The dream offers a practice that can assist in releasing these blocks. As the heaviness peels away my true essence, my life force flows more freely. To evoke the flow is to wake up and to awaken the flow in me is to remember the flow that weaves me through the landscape of all things. And here I am held in the embrace of the earth mother, Gaia. Here I find home again.